i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
