did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
