Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just invented taco cereal.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
