I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
