My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize