This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
