happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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