Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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