A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
