the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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