I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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