The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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