My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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