I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
