yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
