I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
