i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
