the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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