just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
