Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
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