In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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