I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
