Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The uberlube is also flammable
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
