You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
