I just saw a hot homeless man
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
