need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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