so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
