dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
