I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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