You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
