im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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