i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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