I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
