Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
