Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
