I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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