i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
