Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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