Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
