He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
