we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We need to get me chipped asap
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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