I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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