She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
