Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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