My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
