I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
