Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
