Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I deserve this hangover.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
