We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
