i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize