Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
