I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
