and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
