Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
