Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
