i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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