I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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