hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
