I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
