Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
