Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
