I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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