you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
