she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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