my vag is so smooth its legendary
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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