I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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