Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
