Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
