the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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